Holed up in Sedona, Arizona

Well folks, they have Sarah and me holed up down here in Arizona while all the consultants do their magic to help Sarah come up with perfect answers. This stuff sure is a lot tougher than up in Wasilla. When she was running for mayor, her debate took place next to the barbecue stand in the gravel lot in front of the Wasilla Sportsman's Show and Game Feed. Sarah had good answers but didn't even need them because her opponent had BBQ sauce all over his cheek for the first half of the debate and the citizens found it hard to listen to what he was saying. Plus, the crowd was about 90% men who had mostly all gone to the Sergei's Kamchatka Bride Service booth and they were kind of 'interested' to see a woman who could talk as good as Sarah. Nothin' sexier than a smart woman, I'll tell you that.

In Sarah's debate for her Governor race, it was town hall style, and she had to field a lot of really tough questions just like any citizen in any state in the nation would ask. I expect there will be a lot more of those on Thursday night. The good news is that, once again, Sarah had all the right answers on all of these subjects.

When that Vice Presidential debate moderator asks her about her personal beliefs, it will really help the American people understand what Sarah will be fighting for against those liberals in Washington. I can't tell you any secrets about her answers, but if you are concerned like me about the following issues:

  • Drilling: Which slope should be next?
  • Assault rifles: Mandatory?
  • Registration fees for float planes and personal snowcraft
  • Salmon bag limits
  • Grizzly nuisance shooting - porch shots or not?
  • Personal taxation on snow endurance event monetary prizes
  • Halibut fishing season regulations
then you'd better tune in. I know that Sarah's ideas will wow you like they did the people of Wasilla and the people of Alaska.

What makes me a little worried, though, is that Sarah will be urged by these debate advisers to take a position that's not natural for her. For instance, building code in Wasilla requires that Douglas fir logs used in log homes be at least 12 inches in finished diameter. What if those advisers are influenced by lobbyists from the building industry who try to sneak in laws allowing 11 inch logs? Or even 10? What would that do to the logging industry?

No way, I tell Sarah. Stay strong and keep your values for the American people.

It's the only way, and it's the American way.

Tight lines and Right answers,
First Dude Todd

Hippies Need Not Apply

Hi Everyone - We just got back from golfing like 28 holes on a beautiful course outside of Sedona, and I really got sunburned after I had a few too many beers. It was pretty cool because we saw rattlesnakes and all, but I'm too tired to write something about today. Here's a little something that I wrote before we left Wasilla for the debate preparation. I miss Wasilla. Send me back!

Folks, I'm really pretty steamed today. It appears that either a hippie or a meth head siphoned all the gas out out of my truck. While I did see a few fellas with nubby teeth hanging around the gravel lot where my truck was parked, I'm leaning toward blaming the hippies.

You see, a lot of people think Alaska is full of tough frontier types like yours truly and the whole Yuu'taak clan over in East Wasilla. Well, it's true that Alaska is really America's frontier, where people who working hard in the forests, on the fields, and in the boats can make a good living and raise a family in God's country. What surprises a lot of people is just how many gosh-darned hippies there are up here. They're everywhere!

I don't really know when they started to wander up here. I say 'wander' because a hippie never has a plan, and by cripes, they are so aimless with their lives, relying on other peoples vehicles to bring them up from Berkeley or San Francisco or whatever sin-pot they come from. They hitch rides in on the long-haul trucks coming from anywhere and everywhere. They grab some unsuspecting young person who just happens to have four wheels and a trust fund to be able to drive his crappy VW bus all the way up here. I really don't know why someone in Wasilla doesn't own a VW Bus repair shop. It would serve 2 purposes, first it would make money off liberals, what I like to call perfect capitalism, and second it would help them get their cars fixed so that they could leave Wasilla and get the heck back to Portland or San Francisco. A win-win as we like to call it on the oil fields when we find both gas and oil in the same well.

I mean, look at that whole San Francisco area. What have they ever done for the national economy? When I look at all the technology coming out of the University of Alaska, and I see real innovations like making roads out of peat moss, They could probably put a few oil wells underneath that fancy golden gay bridge, but it wouldn't be worth it. That's not a win-win.

Tight lines and Gushers,
First Dude Todd

No Passport Required

A lot of Wasilla folks have asked me if I need to get a Passport once Sarah reaches the White House. Cripes, no, I reply, why would I need to have that new 800cc model from Snow Wolf if we're living down in Washington DC where there's no snow? No, not the Snow Wolf Passport, they say, a United States Passport that allows you entry to foreign lands? Well, first of all, if I want to visit a foreign land, I would just take the Piper across the Bering and glance down at Commieland. Second of all, why would I want to spend the taxpayers' hard-earned money to act like a tourist in some liberal country like Paris, where I have to eat cheese and horse entrails? Thanks but no thanks, I say.

But this raises a few interesting points.

First, the United States puts a lot of effort into making friends in other countries and this is often a good thing. For all of our frontier abilities here in Alaska, we don't have 100 million people to assemble toys, circuit breakers, potpourri candles, or other things like that that don't need to be the absolute highest quality like snowmachine tracks or new chainsaw bars. For those of you in the lower 48, the highest quality parts are often made in countries like Sweden, where their dedication to the free market (unlike the socialist liberals) makes sure that they are the absolute highest quality. In the United States, all of the really good stuff comes from companies like Minn-Kota and Johnson, in Southern states like Minnesota where they completely reject liberal philosophies.

Second, sometimes history reverses itself, like what happened in Russia, where that one politician who liberated them ended up in charge of the KBG. I don't know how they brainwashed him, but now it affects everything like the price of titanium that goes into my snowmachine brakes to how many Kamchatka brides we can import annually up on the North Slope. By December, when it finally gets down under 30 degrees here, I'm hoping that the Russians keep the gas prices down. I'm not too optimistic, because it's all a bunch of reformed commies who are trying to extort money for that LNG on the markets. They just don't believe in the free market like us in the U.S.

Third, and this is most important, the United States has a kind of image to keep up and those clowns in Washington don't help. I bet the world thinks that we're completely incompetent with all of these liberals in Washington and how they've been behaving. We're about to go from the ownership society, which was working perfectly well, to a pinko state where the government owns all the banks. Well, that will never happen in Wasilla, because my Uncle Stanley Yuu'taak owns the biggest bank in town, which is the East Wasilla Savings & Loan and Small Motor Repair Depot. He's a trustworthy red-blooded American who is as honest as the day is long. Remember that he was acquited, no thanks to those commies at the Progressive.

I can't wait for Sarah to get to Washington so that she can clean them up for good. Uncle Stanley can't wait either, and he is curious about how many small motors need good repair services down there. I guess we'll just have wait till next January to see.

Tight lines and Tight-Sealed Pistons,
First Dude Todd

My Better Half and The Media

A lot of people seem to be concerned that my wife Sarah is getting some rough treatment in the media. Well, to them, I say don't worry because Sarah's been managing this stuff for years. You don't get to be a successful woman in Alaska without some tough questions from the likes of Alaska Woman, Frontier Bride, or Food Smoker Recipes Monthly.

As far back as I can remember, these reporters would be lining up to ask Sarah all manner of questions about her family, life in Alaska, her kids, balancing her career with her family, balancing her career with her aerobics schedule, how to handle bad hair days, fashion tips, and so forth. Some of the tougher questions included things like:

  • How do you manage your role as Mayor of the third-largest town in Alaska?
  • What special activities do you encourage your family to do to get them through Alaska's long winters?
  • What does your husband think of your success?
  • How do you keep your kids off meth after the first episode?
  • Do you have any special pemmican recipes for the holidays?
  • Do you have any fashion tips for expecting brides?

Of course, those communists over at the Wasilla Progressive always tried to get her to answer some questions about her policies about birth control, abortion, and some other topics that Sarah though were pretty dang clear if you would just pay attention in church on Sunday morning and then make government follow those rules. Along with that hatchet job article about my uncle's Trading Post,
that's why she banned them from her office. Good for her I said. Don't tell me Sarah doesn't know anything about Russian foreign policy. She's fighting communism right here in Alaska.

I guess there are just some in every crowd, but Sarah's a lot tougher than me. I'm not sure that I could handle such hard questions. Usually when I get interviewed by North Slope Petroleum Operator Quarterly or Musher, I just have to answer technical questions like how to how to manage flare lines or on-the-trail splinting techniques.

That's why Sarah really is my better half!

Tight lines,
First Dude Todd

PS Fellas, check out that issue of Alaska shown above! Your wife'll love it because of the article about Sarah, but she doesn't need to know that your bought if for the article about catching barn-door sized halibut in the Barren Islands!

Substance Abuse

My soon-to-be son-in-law Levi comes from a kinda wild family, and I'm not too sure that he has enough role models. I was a little bit the same way when I was his age, until Uncle Dwight Yuu'taak took me aside and gave me a little bit of advice. I think times have changed since my come-clean, as Uncle Dwight called it, but it's pretty clear that Levi needs a little wisdom from the elders. Levi is known to get a little bit rowdy on the beer, which is perfectly understandable for a young fellow who can skate and shoot the puck like he does. But there are 3 things that I'm going to tell him that he really needs to avoid.

First, he should never get caught with more than a quarter pound of weed, and I would say even 2 ounces of that BC Dee-Lite might be too much. It just looks bad, and people in the lower 48 may not understand it. Sure, we have lighter laws up here, and a lot of us use it to get through the winter, but it's all about perception. Plus, with Cheetos at $6.95 a bag over at the Trading Post, this can be an expensive hobby.

Second, avoid the gas. It's just too dangerous, because it never fails that you just get the tent set up when someone comes around with a lighter, which scares the cripes out of you. No gas, Levi.

Third, and this is really a must - meth has to be avoided at all costs. I should say most costs, because if you are a stripper, a roofer, or a Russian crab fisherman, it can actually make you more productive, until all your teeth turn brown and rot and you have to use all your savings to get the nubs pulled and to buy dentures. So, Levi, unless you find yourself in one of those professions, stay away from the meth.

I guess I'm gonna need Sarah to have this same talk with Bristol, although there's no way she could end up as a roofer or a crab fisherman.

Tight lines,
First Dude and Father-in-Law Todd

The Wasilla Town Hall

A lot of people have told me that people all over the world are looking at pictures of the Wasilla Town Hall. I know what they're thinking - we must be pretty proud to have a fine building like that in which government operates and does the will of the people and of God. I also want these people in faraway countries like Japan or London to know that our Wasilla government works because we've learned some lessons from the private sector.

First, you'll note the thing that looks like a drive through window. That actually is a drive-through window, but instead of getting a caribou burger, you can take care of quick business with the town hall, like handling minor meth violations or registering your truck. The only time we had to make someone come inside was when my cousin Darryl Yuu'taak, who owns the East Wasilla Trading Post, tried to pay his fine for selling Jager in his outside vending machine. The paperwork took too long to do from the drive-through. He later co-sponsored the '2008 Paperwork Reduction Act' in Wasilla Town Council that made it legal to sell hippers of Jager in a vending machine, next to the spawn sacks and fuel additive.

Second, the sign looks really good, but it actually is a sign that we made up of the old sign from the "Wasilla City Mall", which was the old building. We just had my brother-in-law (not that one) replace the "M" with an "H"! See, cost savings and efficiency, just like BP or GM in the private sector!

The only problem that we need to fix is the roof, which sometimes lets go with a big pile of snow or ice onto the person in the car using the drive-through window. I'll get my brother-in-law on that right away, or at least before winter. We still have a few months because winter doesn't really start here anymore until December or so.

Plus, here's the best part. Because part of the strip mall used to be a dry cleaner, they have a sealed storage area where the Wasilla police can safely store chemical drums that they seize when they make a really big meth bust. It's a good thing that this hasn't happened since August, but at least we have it when we need it!

Tight lines and firmpacked tracks,
First Dude Todd

That's No Moose, That's Greta Van Susteren.

She's interviewing me. You'll see it on Fox.

Cripes, you could see her hair move when she blinked. Good thing she's such a patriot, with her long ancestry of commie hunting.

http://gretawire.foxnews.com/2008/09/12/behind-the-scenes-todd-palin-the-first-dude/

Snowmachine Racing - Better than NASCAR!

I got a letter from Roger in Georgia asking about snowmobile racing. He likes NASCAR and wants to know if I like that too.


Roger, I try to be modest about my racing but I have won the Tesoro Iron Dog snowmachine race four times. The course is difficult but I rely heavily on the Lord Jesus Christ and my native heritage to guide me through the challenges of the track. I’m one-eighth Yup’ik and have some Curyung blood, but I haven’t huffed any gasoline in several years, despite what those liberals at the Wasilla Progressive wrote about me.

As for other motor sports, I am very happy at any endeavor that uses up what we up here on the North Slope like to call ‘black gold’. For NASCAR, I have seen a few races on the satellite but I haven’t gotten too excited. For one, the drivers don’t seem to need to navigate too many ravines, unstable ice shelves, wolf packs, or fallen trees to get to the finish. They seem to just go round and round. And also, the sponsors aren’t something that I can really see helping me push on and all. Home Depot? FedEx? Texas Instruments? How about some real sponsors that make a real product that the racers use, like Dr. Metcalf’s Pelt Salt, Sergei’s Kamchatka Bride Service, or Federal Bear Loads? Back in 2005, I was racing for Nevr-Freeze Fuel Additive but they got shut down due to them finding a couple of barrels at that meth lab in East Wasilla. But that's a different story.


I even busted my arm in one race but got a doctor to brace me up for the finish. Believe me, if I believed in all that Darwin stuff I would think snowmachine racing is one of the best examples of survival of the fittest.


If you ever get a chance to come up here, you should try your hand at NASCAR of the North!


Tight lines and firmpacked tracks,

First Dude Todd